Grief

[Hound Dog]

I'm looking for some advice here and I think this could be useful for a few others as well. A member of my family is severely ill and I'm having a tough time trying to keep it together. Are there any -mone products that you'd recommend as an antidepressant?

Realm lightens my mood. I've used the -nol product that comes in the beginner's kit and it seems to make me stupid and forgetful. Any other ideas?

[Holmes]

Sorry to hear that.

[metropolitan]

tough question, i hope the situation in your family improves. having gone through some tough times in my life i can say the best i can recommend is people. friends of course, but even strangers.
in my experience it was good to go out, leave the house, talk to friends and talk to strangers --not necessarily about the situation at hand, but it's always good to connect with others, makes you feel a little more of a part of a bigger something and of course it helps to keep your mind busy and away from thinking about situations where we have little control.
change what you can't endure and endure what you can't change.
here's to hoping things turn out for the best. :cheers:

[tounge]

Try to meet the grief head on if you can. Antidepressants will cause you more problems than will help in the long run. They should only be used as a last resort. And I honestly don't think any pheromone will be of use in this situation.

PRAY for the strength to face the situation head on. Prayer will help and give you a sense of peace.

[Gegogi]

Pheromones won't help. You might try St John's Wort. You have to take it 3 times a day for a few days for it to take effect. I recently used it for about 2 weeks and it proved helpful. However it has a side effect: skin becomes very sensitive, especially to sunlight and EOs. I live in Hawaii and I broke out in a sunburn-like rash on exposed skin. And that was only from walking from car to office 5 days a week! Citrus colognes made it worse. If you stay out of the sun and avoid EOs/colognes you'll probably find St John's Wort useful.

[ToxDoc]

I agree with metropolitan fully. Interactions with other people during difficult times can be enormously helpful.

Part of the healing process involves dealing with the problem. Antidepressants only mask the feelings of sadness temporarily. By the time you come off the drugs, you will still have to go through the same process like others. In fact, in the long run you may be worse off than those who are not on drugs since they would have come through and moved on by the time you decide to face the reality. The result of you being out of sync from everyone else can mean that you may not have the peer support that others do. Hence, you may even feel more lonely and miserable.

Take one baby step at the time. For myself, walking guide dogs at the beach helps me unwind and put things into perspective. Plus, you are doing the society a huge favour. By the way, you will also get the bonus of being stopped by girls for chit chats all the time. Girls really adore sensitive guys such as yourself.

If you want to try St John's Wort, talk to your pharmacist first. It has been shown time and time again to interact with medications. So please be careful. Just because it is herbal and 'natural' does not mean it can't harm you.

[Rbt]

To answer the question originally posted in summary: From what I've seen here (not having personal experience with using pheromones in this type of situation), a pheromone product probably won't have much of an affect. From my own experiences of grief over the years, the emotion and resulting physical affects on your body are going to overwhelm any of the subtle affects of whatever any pheromone could give, if it gives anything.

I lost two good, close friends within a space of less than a month one year. They were also very close to each other, and without going into detail (and I don't want to) we think the second one may have almost literally died from grief from the loss of the first. Based on my own feelings at the time, I don't think anything *except* human support would have helped us get through it. (Or "spiritual" support if that's part of your life.)

Remember the good times.

[NaughtieGirl]

Hi Hound dog,

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through rough times. Feel free at any time to come talk here. I find people here to be very supportive of each other.

What has helped me through a very rough time in my life was running. It produces a natural endorphin high. If you feel like it's too hard, start by walking, then faster and faster. You'll get to a speed where breaking into a jog feels easier than keeping up the fast walking. Then as soon as you're out of breath, take a walking break. Before you know it, you'll be a runner! It did wonders for me! Not to mention that it is excellent for our health. I like to run with upbeat music in my cd player. Sometimes I wish I could just go on running, but I have to force myself to go home because if I overdo it, I'll pay for it the next day.

Lance Armstrong's book "It's not about the bike" can be quite inspirational as well.

Hang in there! :kiss:

[Hound Dog]

Thank you so much everybody. It's nice to hear so many kind words from people I hardly know.

I guess I should update you all. My ill grandfather is now terminal. He's heavily sedated and is not likely to live more than a day or two. We were very close.

I seem to be having a harder time with this than the rest of my family. I was still largely in denial yesterday, but I'm a real wreck today. It's going to be very difficult getting to the hospital.

I have tried St. John's Wort before and it worked very well. But it seemed to just deaden all of my emotions and it seems like it would be really disrespectful to do that right now. I may have to break down and do it just for the sake of getting there and getting through this.

Unfortunately, my support system isn't what I would like it to be. I'm trying really hard to be strong in front of my immediate family. I think my grandmother is still in shock and I don't want to upset her. My close friends are normally pretty good, but they seem to have some big problems of their own right now. I spent some time with them yesterday and it wasn't helpful. My girlfriend has been an amazing help, but we don't have a lot of time to talk. We'll be living together in a couple of months, but she's currently living out of state. I have sought out spiritual support as well. It's done a lot to help put this in perspective, but doesn't actually make me feel any better about it.

I totally see how insane my original question sounds. The reason I asked was because realm had always made me feel kind of drunk without the intoxication. I thought something like that would be good to elevate my mood without making me unemotional toward the situation. I won't be doing that... the St. John's Wort is probably the way to go.

I can't thank you all enough.

[silksand]

Hi, Hound Dog,

I'm sorry to hear about your family's suffering right now, and wish you all the strength and whole-heartedness you need to get through this time. I can surely understand why you'd look for something to help you with this, pheromonally, herbally, medicinally - these strong emotions can really test us and make us feel we need something more, to be able to ride it out or rise above somehow. You've gotten great advice here, about the best help and support coming from other human beings and from Spirit, rather than any kind of substance. Antidepressants (and St. John's Wort is, in its effects, an SSRI) can be lifesaving in some situations (and I'll testify to that personally) but as you say, it comes at the cost of fully *feeling* your life, and if you can bear it, it is better to live through this awake and in pain but intact, rather than anesthetized. Naughtie's suggestion about exercise is something I thought of, too. It will help you move through your emotions and stay present in your body, as well as relieving stress.

I can't help but wonder, too, about your wish to be strong in front of your family; I know that is the expectation we seem to have in our stoic culture and it still a much-admired trait, to be able to appear as if our hearts were not breaking ... yet I wonder if you were able to be real in front of them, if it might bring all of you closer and help you all be more of a comfort to each other? I know that sharing tears with those I'm close to has always made me feel comforted and less alone in my grief. Just a thought. I wish all the best for you and your family, Hound Dog, and hope you will stay in touch with us here.

[MOBLEYC57]

Life is what it is, and you have to deal with what it gives you, HDog. I THINK what you have to do is fight mentally ... focusing on all of those good thoughts/memories of what makes him so special, and the time you two spent together that got him that special place in your heart. That should help you make it through, and knowing ... he doesn't want you hurting and suffering, he wants you to be okay. You owe him that, so work on being okay.

You're human ... don't try to keep it together ... I think that's impossible for someone that's caring. Believe it or not, real MEN cry, and it wouldn't make you any lesser of a man. Let your feelings flow is what I'd recommend ... it's the beginning of the healing process. If the way you're feeling get too out of control, and only you know this, seek help. Losing someone is the ugliest of life's ugliness, and it brings on the darkest times of them all.

God's shield to you and all those surrounding your grandfather.

P.S. I don't think there's nothing that can take the pain away as far as mones are concerned, but Chikara seems to lift my spirits when I'm suffering mentally. Hang in there. :sick:

[Holmes]

Let your feelings flow is what I'd recommend ... it's the beginning of the healing process. If the way you're feeling get too out of control, and only you know this, seek help.

Good advice, Mobley (and everyone else, btw).

I tried the "stiff upper lip" approach myself and it didn't work for very long.

It's just something you have to go through, feel fully, and try to make peace with.

It's the toughest. It really is. My heart goes out to you and yours, Hound Dog.

[DrSmellThis]

Just take care of yourself and be close to your friends and family.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.

A little St. Johns Wort can lessen the traumatic aspect a bit, I think. But grief is grief. You and your family are in my prayers.

[Hound Dog]

Thank you everybody for your concern and a lot of great advice.

I really wasn't trying to cut off my own emotions. I just didn't want to put my grandmother in any more pain than she was already in. I've cried a lot the last couple of days, I just wanted to avoid doing it in front of her and hopefully take some of the edge off of the pain. I passed on the St. John's Wort and just went in. This was a very difficult day. A lot of us have opened up and my family is really starting to come together from this. It's a big loss and will be a huge adjustment for all of us. He will most likely not live past tomorrow. He is suffering and I hope it ends soon.

Getting some exercise is a great idea and I will try to start a mild routine once the worst of this situation passes. I've spent a lot of time reevaluating my life lately and a lot of changes are in order.

Thank you again for your positive comments. They meant a lot.