Mtnjim
09-06-2005, 06:30 PM
DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - 6 September 2005
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome
by honoring those who contrive to remove themselves from it.
This honor is generally bestowed posthumously.
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Darwin Award: Surprise Attack Surprise -- CONFIRMED
3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland
It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army
Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammo.
The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons
for a break.
The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment,
decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on
a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men,
achieving complete surprise.
But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the
safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible
time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him
with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack.
The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved
himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack.
The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick
action
and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one
shot.
Reference: Blick
<http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-03.html (http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-03.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Darwin Award: Damned if You Do... -- CONFIRMED
6 September 2004, Romania
A Pitesti man with a metal ring stuck on his penis was being sought
by doctors, after he fled the hospital consumed by panic.
The unidentified 42-year-old claimed he had put the ring on his penis
after losing a bet during a drinking game at a pub. He was subsequently
unable to remove the ring. Embarrassment kept him from seeking immediate
medical help, but after two days, unbearable pain overcame unbearable
shame,
and he took his smelly and discolored penis in for treatment.
Doctors told him that gangrene had set in, and his life was in danger.
The blood supply had been cut off for too long, and there was nothing
they could do but remove his penis, so that the necrosis did not spread
to the rest of his body.
The manhunt was ongoing. "There is no way he can escape going under the
knife," said a doctor. "He must come back to the hospital and accept
this." The man’s only consolation is a guaranteed Darwin Award, one way
or the other!
Reference: Daily Record (UK), Ananova
<http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2004-06.html (http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2004-06.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Darwin Award: Playing with Elephants -- CONFIRMED
28 January 2005, Pendang, Thailand
It's no secret that elephants are big. Elephants eat hundreds of pounds
of food a day just to maintain their weight. Indian elephants are nine
feet tall at the shoulder, and the males have tusks that extend over three
feet. They're so powerful that in Southeast Asia they are used to haul
massive tree trunks with their tusks, work performed by heavy equipment
in other countries.
It's also no secret that teasing an animal can make it mad. Teasing a
nine-foot-tall animal that can carry a tree with its three-foot tusks
may not be a good idea. Yet that was the very idea that formed in
Prawat's
head, when he saw a herd of five performing elephants chained to trees
outside a Buddhist temple.
While the owner waited inside for an entertainment permit, Prawat, a
50-year-old rubber-tapper, offered sugar cane to one of the ever-hungry
elephants... then pulled it away. Then he did it again. And again.
And again.
The game was great fun for Prawat, but the elephant quickly tired of it.
The last time Prawat withdrew the treat, the elephant swung his massive
tusks and gored him through the stomach. He died on the way to Alor Star
Hospital.
Reference: The Star (Kuala Lumpur)
<http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-02.html (http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-02.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Honorable Mention: Oops, Did It Again -- CONFIRMED
31 July 2005, Darwin, Australia
A 30-year-old resident of this aptly named town of about 60,000, nestled
in the Northern Territories on the Sea of Timor, just wanted to go home.
But he was thwarted by two circumstances. First, he lived in an
upper-level
unit in a high-rise apartment building, and second, he had locked his keys
in the apartment.
It was around 4 a.m. Some people do their best thinking in the wee hours
of the morning, but our protagonist is not one of them. He concluded that
his best course of action was to scale the outside of the building.
He managed to climb a short distance before he fell. Luckily, a parked
car
was beneath him to cushion the blow with its roof. He pulled himself off
the shattered windshield and, unwilling to give up after one small
setback,
again set out to scale the wall.
This time he reached the third floor before falling. He was less
fortunate
than before, as he landed on his head, yet also more fortunate, as this
knocked him unconscious and saved him from a third attempt.
He survived the fall, and was taken to Royal Darwin Hospital for
treatment.
Lest outsiders get the wrong idea of Darwin, Australia, we include a
comment
from a sergeant on the Darwin Police force: "It doesn't happen every day,"
he said.
Reference: The Australian, Gold Coast Bulletin
<http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2005-02.html (http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2005-02.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Honorable Mention: Catching the Boat -- CONFIRMED
28 September 2003, Vancouver, Canada
William, a 36-year-old carpenter, hoped to become a stunt man. He had
a brilliant plan. During the Vancouver Film Festival, movie people jetted
in from all over the world. He would bungee from the Lions Gate Bridge,
gracefully descend to the deck of a passing cruise ship, and disengage
from
the bungee cable as smoothly as James Bond, to the awe of the ship's
passengers. Producers would marvel at his work, and discuss over
cocktails
who would hire him for their next film.
Stunt men have the advantage of working with stunt coordinators, who
carefully plot out each acrobatic feat with unerring accuracy. But
William
was a do-it-yourself man. He planned for over two years, checking the
height of the tides, boat schedules, and deck layouts. He even lined up
sponsors and recruited assistants. But, as it turned out, he could have
used a stunt coordinator.
The stunt began perfectly. William took a swan dive off the bridge,
trailing the bungee cord behind him. He felt it grow taut as it stretched
and began to slow his descent. The tennis court of the cruise ship drew
nearer. And nearer. And nearer...
He slammed into the deck, hurtled into a volleyball net, bounced against
a deck railing, and found himself flying once more into the air, watching
the cruise ship sail away.
Although he had failed to make his James Bond entrance, "people on the
boat
loved it," he told a reporter. "They were screaming, yelling, waving."
A witness, however, described the reaction as "shrieks of horror."
William dangled above the water for a few minutes, confirming that no
bones
were broken, and making a mental note to use a shorter bungee cord next
time. A water taxi positioned itself beneath him, and he gracefully
descended to its deck, and smoothly disengaged from the bungee cable.
William is still waiting to hear from the movie producers.
Reference: AP, cnn.com
<http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2003-07.html (http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2003-07.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Personal Account: Watch Where You're Going
I hired several laborers to prepare two garden areas for me. They needed
some supplies, so I showed them the location of ice water and the
bathroom,
and left to obtain the supplies. Upon my return, I noticed an ambulance
in front of my home, along with two police cars.
The police informed me that the neighbor had called 911 to report
a naked man screaming and running around the yard next door.
As it turned out, one of the laborers had needed to answer the call of
nature. Rather than use the bathroom I had shown him, he went into the
woods behind our house, dropped his trousers, and squatted down --
right on top of a huge nest of hornets.
He was released from the hospital after about a week, having learned
a very painful and nearly fatal lesson: always watch where you're going.
<http://darwinawards.com/personal/personal2004-05.html (http://darwinawards.com/personal/personal2004-05.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Personal Account: Brake Care
Summer 2001, USA
I am a keen mountain-biker, and was the proud owner of a fairly expensive
mountain bike. My bike was fitted with 'V' brakes, which are extremely
effective, though prone to squealing.
My dear brother decided to have a ride on my bike one day, while I was
out.
He noticed the squealing as he cycled down the hill we live on, towards
the
invariably busy crossroads at the bottom. Being a helpful sort, he headed
back home and proceeded to pour a generous amount of 3-in-1 oil onto the
brakes, before once more setting off down the hill.
The oil worked! The only reported squealing came from my brother, as he
slammed into the side of a moving VW Beetle. To this day he sports an
impressive scar running from his eye socket to just past his ear.
And yes, the bike was totaled.
<http://darwinawards.com/personal/personal2004-04.html (http://darwinawards.com/personal/personal2004-04.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome
by honoring those who contrive to remove themselves from it.
This honor is generally bestowed posthumously.
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Darwin Award: Surprise Attack Surprise -- CONFIRMED
3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland
It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army
Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammo.
The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons
for a break.
The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment,
decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on
a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men,
achieving complete surprise.
But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the
safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible
time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him
with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack.
The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved
himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack.
The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick
action
and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one
shot.
Reference: Blick
<http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-03.html (http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-03.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Darwin Award: Damned if You Do... -- CONFIRMED
6 September 2004, Romania
A Pitesti man with a metal ring stuck on his penis was being sought
by doctors, after he fled the hospital consumed by panic.
The unidentified 42-year-old claimed he had put the ring on his penis
after losing a bet during a drinking game at a pub. He was subsequently
unable to remove the ring. Embarrassment kept him from seeking immediate
medical help, but after two days, unbearable pain overcame unbearable
shame,
and he took his smelly and discolored penis in for treatment.
Doctors told him that gangrene had set in, and his life was in danger.
The blood supply had been cut off for too long, and there was nothing
they could do but remove his penis, so that the necrosis did not spread
to the rest of his body.
The manhunt was ongoing. "There is no way he can escape going under the
knife," said a doctor. "He must come back to the hospital and accept
this." The man’s only consolation is a guaranteed Darwin Award, one way
or the other!
Reference: Daily Record (UK), Ananova
<http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2004-06.html (http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2004-06.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Darwin Award: Playing with Elephants -- CONFIRMED
28 January 2005, Pendang, Thailand
It's no secret that elephants are big. Elephants eat hundreds of pounds
of food a day just to maintain their weight. Indian elephants are nine
feet tall at the shoulder, and the males have tusks that extend over three
feet. They're so powerful that in Southeast Asia they are used to haul
massive tree trunks with their tusks, work performed by heavy equipment
in other countries.
It's also no secret that teasing an animal can make it mad. Teasing a
nine-foot-tall animal that can carry a tree with its three-foot tusks
may not be a good idea. Yet that was the very idea that formed in
Prawat's
head, when he saw a herd of five performing elephants chained to trees
outside a Buddhist temple.
While the owner waited inside for an entertainment permit, Prawat, a
50-year-old rubber-tapper, offered sugar cane to one of the ever-hungry
elephants... then pulled it away. Then he did it again. And again.
And again.
The game was great fun for Prawat, but the elephant quickly tired of it.
The last time Prawat withdrew the treat, the elephant swung his massive
tusks and gored him through the stomach. He died on the way to Alor Star
Hospital.
Reference: The Star (Kuala Lumpur)
<http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-02.html (http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-02.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Honorable Mention: Oops, Did It Again -- CONFIRMED
31 July 2005, Darwin, Australia
A 30-year-old resident of this aptly named town of about 60,000, nestled
in the Northern Territories on the Sea of Timor, just wanted to go home.
But he was thwarted by two circumstances. First, he lived in an
upper-level
unit in a high-rise apartment building, and second, he had locked his keys
in the apartment.
It was around 4 a.m. Some people do their best thinking in the wee hours
of the morning, but our protagonist is not one of them. He concluded that
his best course of action was to scale the outside of the building.
He managed to climb a short distance before he fell. Luckily, a parked
car
was beneath him to cushion the blow with its roof. He pulled himself off
the shattered windshield and, unwilling to give up after one small
setback,
again set out to scale the wall.
This time he reached the third floor before falling. He was less
fortunate
than before, as he landed on his head, yet also more fortunate, as this
knocked him unconscious and saved him from a third attempt.
He survived the fall, and was taken to Royal Darwin Hospital for
treatment.
Lest outsiders get the wrong idea of Darwin, Australia, we include a
comment
from a sergeant on the Darwin Police force: "It doesn't happen every day,"
he said.
Reference: The Australian, Gold Coast Bulletin
<http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2005-02.html (http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2005-02.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Honorable Mention: Catching the Boat -- CONFIRMED
28 September 2003, Vancouver, Canada
William, a 36-year-old carpenter, hoped to become a stunt man. He had
a brilliant plan. During the Vancouver Film Festival, movie people jetted
in from all over the world. He would bungee from the Lions Gate Bridge,
gracefully descend to the deck of a passing cruise ship, and disengage
from
the bungee cable as smoothly as James Bond, to the awe of the ship's
passengers. Producers would marvel at his work, and discuss over
cocktails
who would hire him for their next film.
Stunt men have the advantage of working with stunt coordinators, who
carefully plot out each acrobatic feat with unerring accuracy. But
William
was a do-it-yourself man. He planned for over two years, checking the
height of the tides, boat schedules, and deck layouts. He even lined up
sponsors and recruited assistants. But, as it turned out, he could have
used a stunt coordinator.
The stunt began perfectly. William took a swan dive off the bridge,
trailing the bungee cord behind him. He felt it grow taut as it stretched
and began to slow his descent. The tennis court of the cruise ship drew
nearer. And nearer. And nearer...
He slammed into the deck, hurtled into a volleyball net, bounced against
a deck railing, and found himself flying once more into the air, watching
the cruise ship sail away.
Although he had failed to make his James Bond entrance, "people on the
boat
loved it," he told a reporter. "They were screaming, yelling, waving."
A witness, however, described the reaction as "shrieks of horror."
William dangled above the water for a few minutes, confirming that no
bones
were broken, and making a mental note to use a shorter bungee cord next
time. A water taxi positioned itself beneath him, and he gracefully
descended to its deck, and smoothly disengaged from the bungee cable.
William is still waiting to hear from the movie producers.
Reference: AP, cnn.com
<http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2003-07.html (http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2003-07.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Personal Account: Watch Where You're Going
I hired several laborers to prepare two garden areas for me. They needed
some supplies, so I showed them the location of ice water and the
bathroom,
and left to obtain the supplies. Upon my return, I noticed an ambulance
in front of my home, along with two police cars.
The police informed me that the neighbor had called 911 to report
a naked man screaming and running around the yard next door.
As it turned out, one of the laborers had needed to answer the call of
nature. Rather than use the bathroom I had shown him, he went into the
woods behind our house, dropped his trousers, and squatted down --
right on top of a huge nest of hornets.
He was released from the hospital after about a week, having learned
a very painful and nearly fatal lesson: always watch where you're going.
<http://darwinawards.com/personal/personal2004-05.html (http://darwinawards.com/personal/personal2004-05.html)>
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Personal Account: Brake Care
Summer 2001, USA
I am a keen mountain-biker, and was the proud owner of a fairly expensive
mountain bike. My bike was fitted with 'V' brakes, which are extremely
effective, though prone to squealing.
My dear brother decided to have a ride on my bike one day, while I was
out.
He noticed the squealing as he cycled down the hill we live on, towards
the
invariably busy crossroads at the bottom. Being a helpful sort, he headed
back home and proceeded to pour a generous amount of 3-in-1 oil onto the
brakes, before once more setting off down the hill.
The oil worked! The only reported squealing came from my brother, as he
slammed into the side of a moving VW Beetle. To this day he sports an
impressive scar running from his eye socket to just past his ear.
And yes, the bike was totaled.
<http://darwinawards.com/personal/personal2004-04.html (http://darwinawards.com/personal/personal2004-04.html)>